Sorry moms, I call bullshit

I recently read this article and while I can definitely relate to some of what the author is saying, I call bullshit. Yes it’s true, being a stay at home parent is exhausting but the authors plea to be allowed to explain and apologies for not having a clean house and food ready are bullshit. Let me explain…

Most people know that being a stay at home parent takes work. Several people say “I couldn’t do it.” Yet, somehow stay at home parents seem to think they have to take on all responsibilities in order to seem like they’re doing enough. This is where I call bullshit. All I have to say is, employed partners, STEP IT UP!

The author says “we get tired of balancing all of the spinning plates and have to let some of them fall in survival mode” and  “It’s hard on a mama’s soul to work so hard providing a happy home and feel like a failure at the very same time.” The truth of those statements is extremely real. She also says she can “understand why someone [in this case her husband] walking in the door might let out a big sigh or even rage-clean.” Excuse me but, if you are an employed partner and come home and let out those sighs or have the audacity to clean out of rage then you need to check yourself. That behavior is not supportive, encouraging or appreciated. Hey employed partners, have you ever had a day when you didn’t get all your work assignments done? Have you ever left a project to be completed for another day? Have you ever felt drained at the end of the day only to look back on your work day and feel like you have nothing to show for it? Have you had days or even months where you didn’t meet your performance goals? I’m certain that you have. Stay at home parents have those days too! They shouldn’t have to write blogs begging for permission to explain why that is! Stay at home parents work their butts off all day. In several cases they work all night too because they don’t have to “go to work” in the morning.

Employed partners, you may think it’s just a sigh, but, as the author says “Depression and stress are very real dangers of stay-at-home parenthood.” As you can probably guess, working non-stop on little sleep can take a major toll on a person. Instead of sighing and complaining that things aren’t done stop, take a moment to reflect and instead respond with love and gratitude. Say thank you for the things that are done. Appreciate the work that your partner has done.

My initial response to the article, which was titled What I’d Like to Tell My Husband, Who Comes Home to a Messy House at Night, was “and then say ‘get with the times and cook dinner for me!” Some may take that as a joke but I fully mean it! I saw other responses saying they had these same conversations with their husbands decades ago. I’ve heard people express these sentiments of frustration and exhaustion over and over. I'm baffled that the belief that being employed somehow makes a person exempt from taking on additional tasks. If this is your situation please take time to have a conversation with your partner about role expectations. Communicate!

Stay at home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for not getting it “all” done. It shouldn’t be on them alone to do everything. Stay at home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for asking their employed partners to do more. It’s a partnership! They shouldn't have to say, “I’m so sorry dinner isn’t ready and the house is dirty, please allow me to explain.”

Post pregnancy prep: What I wish I'd been told

In no particular order, a list of things I wish I had known about or planned for before pushing my baby out.

1- Pack the diaper bag. Everyone talks about preparing the hospital bag. Hardly anyone mentions the fact that you'll have to take your baby to the pediatrician the day after you are discharged from the hospital. You will have just spent the first night with your new baby in your own home. Getting ready in the morning is tough. Thinking clearly is tough. Remembering you need a diaper bag at all is a challenge. Pack that bag before the baby comes.

2- Buy straws. As in pregnancy staying hydrated is key. It can be hard to drink on your own when your hands are busy holding baby. Have straws or at the very least a water bottle with a straw.

3- Padsicles. I did not know these were a thing but I'm glad some wonderful people made me some. These are amazing and help immensely. Baths are a great suggestion to help healing but making time for a soak can be a challenge. This is a nice way to provide relief and help the healing process.

4- If you're breastfeeding, learn what a good latch looks like. Breastfeeding is really encouraged, at least it was to me. I didn't take any classes. My family was all breastfed and I was told that having support from family is the biggest gauge of success. So I didn't feel a class was necessary. The articles and patenting books I read all made it sound like a baby's natural instincts make breastfeeding easy- after all, it's natural! My first week was terrible! Did you know nipples can scab? Well they can. The good news is, they shouldn't! Breastfeeding takes practice and persistence but when done correctly it should be pain free! Learn from my stubbornness and know what a good latch looks like. Check out videos on youtube or meet with a lactation consultant

5- Communicate clearly and often. Until you have your baby, you don't really know how or where they will sleep. You also can't predict what toll delivery will take on your body or how mobile you will be. All the new, plus little sleep, combined with your body healing can make for a very stressful and overwhelming situation. Whoever your support team is, communicate clearly about what's working and what's not. Remember to say thank you!

6-Massages! If you're not a fan I hope you become one. They're great during pregnancy and can be amazing after baby comes too. If you have a baby registry, add a massage to it (or a massage chair). You'll be glad you did. Lack of sleep can take a physical toll on your body. Remember, you may not be sleeping in your regular bed either which can throw your body out of whack.

7- It's okay to cry and feel all the feels. There are a lot of hormone adjustments taking place, your life has just changed completely, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you'll be overwhelmed with good feelings, sometimes not so good feelings. It's okay to feel those things. Remember, communicate with your support team, you don't have to feel these things alone. Also remember to ask for help! There is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

8- Pillows are your friend. Your baby may start off light and tiny (if you're lucky)  but they will get bigger and heavier quickly. Feeding lengths can vary and can be as frequent as every 45 minutes. Your wrists and arms will hurt if you don't have support. Grab some pillows, blankets, cushions, whatever you need to make sure you and your baby are supported.

That's really the bottom line...

During my pregnancy I felt very supported and encouraged and was told many times I was a "goddess" for this miracle that was taking place. Parents should feel the same way after they have their babies. You are a part of a miracle and you still are given the amazing opportunity to nourish and growth that little miracle. That's no small task.

Grab what/who you need to make sure you and baby are supported.