Sorry moms, I call bullshit

I recently read this article and while I can definitely relate to some of what the author is saying, I call bullshit. Yes it’s true, being a stay at home parent is exhausting but the authors plea to be allowed to explain and apologies for not having a clean house and food ready are bullshit. Let me explain…

Most people know that being a stay at home parent takes work. Several people say “I couldn’t do it.” Yet, somehow stay at home parents seem to think they have to take on all responsibilities in order to seem like they’re doing enough. This is where I call bullshit. All I have to say is, employed partners, STEP IT UP!

The author says “we get tired of balancing all of the spinning plates and have to let some of them fall in survival mode” and  “It’s hard on a mama’s soul to work so hard providing a happy home and feel like a failure at the very same time.” The truth of those statements is extremely real. She also says she can “understand why someone [in this case her husband] walking in the door might let out a big sigh or even rage-clean.” Excuse me but, if you are an employed partner and come home and let out those sighs or have the audacity to clean out of rage then you need to check yourself. That behavior is not supportive, encouraging or appreciated. Hey employed partners, have you ever had a day when you didn’t get all your work assignments done? Have you ever left a project to be completed for another day? Have you ever felt drained at the end of the day only to look back on your work day and feel like you have nothing to show for it? Have you had days or even months where you didn’t meet your performance goals? I’m certain that you have. Stay at home parents have those days too! They shouldn’t have to write blogs begging for permission to explain why that is! Stay at home parents work their butts off all day. In several cases they work all night too because they don’t have to “go to work” in the morning.

Employed partners, you may think it’s just a sigh, but, as the author says “Depression and stress are very real dangers of stay-at-home parenthood.” As you can probably guess, working non-stop on little sleep can take a major toll on a person. Instead of sighing and complaining that things aren’t done stop, take a moment to reflect and instead respond with love and gratitude. Say thank you for the things that are done. Appreciate the work that your partner has done.

My initial response to the article, which was titled What I’d Like to Tell My Husband, Who Comes Home to a Messy House at Night, was “and then say ‘get with the times and cook dinner for me!” Some may take that as a joke but I fully mean it! I saw other responses saying they had these same conversations with their husbands decades ago. I’ve heard people express these sentiments of frustration and exhaustion over and over. I'm baffled that the belief that being employed somehow makes a person exempt from taking on additional tasks. If this is your situation please take time to have a conversation with your partner about role expectations. Communicate!

Stay at home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for not getting it “all” done. It shouldn’t be on them alone to do everything. Stay at home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for asking their employed partners to do more. It’s a partnership! They shouldn't have to say, “I’m so sorry dinner isn’t ready and the house is dirty, please allow me to explain.”

Post pregnancy prep: What I wish I'd been told

In no particular order, a list of things I wish I had known about or planned for before pushing my baby out.

1- Pack the diaper bag. Everyone talks about preparing the hospital bag. Hardly anyone mentions the fact that you'll have to take your baby to the pediatrician the day after you are discharged from the hospital. You will have just spent the first night with your new baby in your own home. Getting ready in the morning is tough. Thinking clearly is tough. Remembering you need a diaper bag at all is a challenge. Pack that bag before the baby comes.

2- Buy straws. As in pregnancy staying hydrated is key. It can be hard to drink on your own when your hands are busy holding baby. Have straws or at the very least a water bottle with a straw.

3- Padsicles. I did not know these were a thing but I'm glad some wonderful people made me some. These are amazing and help immensely. Baths are a great suggestion to help healing but making time for a soak can be a challenge. This is a nice way to provide relief and help the healing process.

4- If you're breastfeeding, learn what a good latch looks like. Breastfeeding is really encouraged, at least it was to me. I didn't take any classes. My family was all breastfed and I was told that having support from family is the biggest gauge of success. So I didn't feel a class was necessary. The articles and patenting books I read all made it sound like a baby's natural instincts make breastfeeding easy- after all, it's natural! My first week was terrible! Did you know nipples can scab? Well they can. The good news is, they shouldn't! Breastfeeding takes practice and persistence but when done correctly it should be pain free! Learn from my stubbornness and know what a good latch looks like. Check out videos on youtube or meet with a lactation consultant

5- Communicate clearly and often. Until you have your baby, you don't really know how or where they will sleep. You also can't predict what toll delivery will take on your body or how mobile you will be. All the new, plus little sleep, combined with your body healing can make for a very stressful and overwhelming situation. Whoever your support team is, communicate clearly about what's working and what's not. Remember to say thank you!

6-Massages! If you're not a fan I hope you become one. They're great during pregnancy and can be amazing after baby comes too. If you have a baby registry, add a massage to it (or a massage chair). You'll be glad you did. Lack of sleep can take a physical toll on your body. Remember, you may not be sleeping in your regular bed either which can throw your body out of whack.

7- It's okay to cry and feel all the feels. There are a lot of hormone adjustments taking place, your life has just changed completely, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you'll be overwhelmed with good feelings, sometimes not so good feelings. It's okay to feel those things. Remember, communicate with your support team, you don't have to feel these things alone. Also remember to ask for help! There is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

8- Pillows are your friend. Your baby may start off light and tiny (if you're lucky)  but they will get bigger and heavier quickly. Feeding lengths can vary and can be as frequent as every 45 minutes. Your wrists and arms will hurt if you don't have support. Grab some pillows, blankets, cushions, whatever you need to make sure you and your baby are supported.

That's really the bottom line...

During my pregnancy I felt very supported and encouraged and was told many times I was a "goddess" for this miracle that was taking place. Parents should feel the same way after they have their babies. You are a part of a miracle and you still are given the amazing opportunity to nourish and growth that little miracle. That's no small task.

Grab what/who you need to make sure you and baby are supported.

Relationships = Hard Work

As the top of this blog clearly states, I am no expert. That being said, I'm still going to offer up my two cents.

Relationships take hard work. We've all heard this before. But I would like to say that this idea has got a lot of people very confused. Confused and stuck.

So many people stay in toxic relationships because they think by walking away they're failing. By walking away they are giving up without putting in the "work" to make it successful. I have seen some people very close to me stay in "relationships" trying to make things work because they thought that's what they were supposed to do. Work. They ignored the fact that the other person did not share the same dedication and respect towards the success of the relationship.

Thanks to TV and "romantic" comedies, people have this image of what valuable relationships should look like. Relationships worth anything mean fighting; they guarantee breakdowns and meltdowns and lots of tears. We're told that relationships mean having to sacrifice and work hard. It's good to lose your own identity in the other person to become "one". Say goodbye to your hobbies, friends, career, (and in the case of most romantic comedies) your very nicely decorated apartment. We see that sacrificing your own happiness for the success of a "relationship" is not only a step in the right direction, it's the only step.

The reality is this: relationships are like a conversation, both people have to participate otherwise it's just a lecture. There needs to be investment on both sides. The beauty in that is, when both people are truly invested, the "work" is not difficult. It's enjoyable. It fuels you to continue. All good relationships are good because both people are willing to go above and beyond for the other. In the midst of the guaranteed breakdowns and meltdowns and lots of tears, the great people that you "work" to keep in your life will be right there next to you with hugs, pizza and alcohol if need be. When that is the foundation, there are no hurdles to jump over and the work doesn't actually feel like work. When that is the foundation we fall into a beautiful cycle. Relationships allow us to thrive, grow, strengthen and push ourselves. Solid relationships free us to discover our true selves and the selves of others. When that happens we're able to fall deeper in love with ourselves and those we surround ourselves with.  

The End Is Here

As many of you may or may not know, I recently got married. Yes yes it's true, another one bites the dust. Another 20-something to add to your list of friends who has followed suit. I know, I've been on the other side of the newsfeed asking myself "what is going on with the world?! Why is everyone getting married or having a baby?!" Usually what I see people post are the beautiful engagement pictures, the perfect "just married" photos and the happily ever after status update. This post is not about that. This post is dedicated to the months leading up to that, all the paint samples, hot glue sticks, surprise Starbucks treats, and dumpster diving trips. This post is dedicated to everyone that graciously listened to me say "just cancel the whole thing!" after gluing beads onto sticks one by one. This post is an ode to the journey that was planning my wedding.

My humble to-do list. It looks so much more manageable when written down. I ran around the house when I crossed the first thing off the list. Serious victory lap.

I'm not kidding when I say this is a box of my supplies: branches, whiffle balls and fake flowers. I may have gotten a bit too ambitious with all of this.

In case you're wondering, blue bottles are surprisingly hard to find. Thank goodness for Svedka! Also thank goodness for brothers and (now) husband that don't mind recycle bin diving to obtain said bottles. The heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart (God knows why) was set on blue glass bottles.

Those bottles didn't cut themselves!

 

 The magic of whiffle balls, fake flowers and hot glue!

 Some may see cabinet doors, I see window decor. Each of those dots was made by a pencil eraser. One by one.

 Those letters were the birth of a Pintrest find. Of course, it looked much better online but I think they came out looking pretty okay.

"Why am I gluing these beads on these branches? No one is going to care. That's not an exaggeration, literally no one will care."-Me

And yet, I kept gluing.

It all came together, as weddings do. The following photos are the final results of our wedding projects courtesy of Pam Christison, our amazing photographer!

 More doors!

 Each of those blue and gray circles is cut out (by hand) from a paint sample.

Did I mention we made our own bouquets?

When planning a wedding, it's very easy to get caught up in the details. It's easy to get swept away in planning. It's easy to focus on the event rather than the lifetime commitment you're celebrating. That's the part that makes all the craziness worth it and being able to share the final result with those that you love is perfect.

Oh, I was hoping you said nap.

In November this became very popular. So popular it basically overtook my news feed on facebook. (Thanks, intellectual "news", now I have to sort through these re-posts to find everyone's overeating Thanksgiving updates.)  I scrolled through the post looking at the blank and mislabeled maps. I read the comments people had left like "It's okay, we'd all probably struggle to fill out a map of Britain." Maybe I'm alone in saying this but, I would have struggled with filling in the states of America as well.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that there are times in my day where I have to legitimately ask myself, "is that a state?" New England...state? Region? Who knows? NOT ME!

Don't even get me started on things outside of the U.S. I say "things" because, as you probably could have guessed, I don't know maps! I don't know places! States? Country? Providence? Territory? Tell me the name of the place, I could maybe guess what continent it's in. That's about as far as it goes. Don't ask me to identify the continents either because that just won't happen.

I have given this lack of knowledge some thought. If I ever have children, they are going to do terrible on their homework. The most help I can offer is, "Did you google it?" Most of the time when worldy/geographically centered topics come up I just nod along, laugh when everyone else laughs and hope no one asks me directly to contribute. Note to anyone who is in a similar situation: if you're asked to share and don't know what to add, just make a Miley Cyrus reference. There's almost always something that can work. I don't know how I made it through the three history classes I've taken in my life.

I guess I should just stick to the maps that I know.

The Diamond Hustle

As you may or may not know, Arkansas is home to a diamond mine! The Crater of Diamonds State Park. According to its website it's the only diamond-producing site in the world that is open to the public. Martha Stewart's magazine also mentions it so, yeah, it's a big deal. With very little time left in The Natural State we decided today was as good a day as any to go diamond hunting.

With the weather in agreement we had no excuses but to follow through with our already calendar planned plans. Getting there is about a two hour drive so it was a bit of a commitment but, since there were no new episodes up on hulu and, again, the weather was gorgeous we set out on the road.  

Your eyes do not deceive you. Those are indeed fanny packs. Every good diamond excursion needs the appropriate accessories. This thing was surprisingly handy!

We even found gems on the way there!

The Crater of Diamonds was definitely something I would suggest going to, just to say you've gone digging for diamonds. But, if you're not sure what to expect let me just lay it out for you.

See those people in the distance? The ones with lawn chairs and umbrellas? Well, they had the right idea. See all the dirt? That's the mine. You dig and you dig and you dig. You should probably sift more than you dig but, I didn't do that much. Diamonds are supposed to be rounded and shiny. They can be clear, black, brown or, as in my case, non existent. 

But, I definitely got something to take home...

Once again, the sun got the best of me.

All in all it was a good outing. Plus, we got to see this beauty!

Make the most of it

This year (or ten months) has been...interesting. I was excited to move and serve and have a new experience but when I got here I found myself asking, "Little Rock, are you for real?" Working with my students, while challenging, has been a fantastic experience. But life outside of work made it seem as if this year would never end. Now I've made it to the final stretch.

6 weeks left in LR
5 weeks left in CY
4 weeks left in the school

We have less than 20 days left in the school! There are still some things I want to do with my time left here. Since the clock is ticking I'm trying to make the most of my time left. Here are some things I've done so far in my "no time left" spree (in no particular order).

1. Went to the derby. I got SUPER sunburned but it was a first time experience and it was worth it. The derby is a magical place where parking attendants kick out other pushy cars to let you take the last remaining parking space in the lot. It's a land where as you're walking to the gate, a friendly man in a car hands you the perfect amount of free passes for you and your friends. Although it's still a land where the horses I pick come in dead last so, not all reality is suspended.

2. Visit the Alligator Farm and petting zoo. Upon discovering that this was a real thing I was immediately drawn to it. The right there should have been a red flag. As mentioned in item number one, I'm not good at picking winners! This definitely seemed like a good idea but when we got there I realized two things. 1- Petting zoos are not my favorite. I feel much better with barrier separating me from animals. They gave us bread to feed the animals and I walked in, broke off pieces throwing them as far away from me as possible and promptly walked back out of the gated area. 2- The animals were not very happy to be there either. This was a very strange mix of animals to have at one "zoo" a lemur, a turkey, a "wolf", not animals that share the same habitat. They all had the same similar chain link area and all looked fairly sickly. It was a bad note to end the day on.

3. SAW AARON CARTER IN CONCERT! Calm down. When we found out he was coming to town we were pretty excited, especially when google research proved he hasn't put music out since Aaron's Party. Who doesn't want to relive the glory of How I Beat Shaq? The line for this show was out the door and down the sidewalk. Girls really slut it up for this show. I mean really. There was a dance with american flags though which really took it next level.

4. Began Tour de Pizza. This week I have told my team that I've just thought of living here as an extended vacation. Well, only when it comes to food. I know this is a bad idea but, hey I'm on vacation! YOLO. Tour de Pizza is a weekly pizza outing. We try a new pizza place every week! Brilliant. It has only just begun but so far sooo delicious.